I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?