9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I like it thick and deep