I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

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9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old


I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.


HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.


ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-


You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.


ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more


[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really