I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.