I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.