I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You Might Also Like
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.