i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.