I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother