I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You Might Also Like
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Oh. My. God.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Hell yeah 👍
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
#damn
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese