I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.