I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?