I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.