I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you