I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.