I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You Might Also Like
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My kitchen overserved me.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!