I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭