I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
When your parents check you’re ok.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home