I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs