I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday