I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.