I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*