I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
You Might Also Like
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]