I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
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*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.