I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[eulogy]
line?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind