I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.