I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy