I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton