I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.