I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
🤣dope
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I triple waxed for this?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could