I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you