I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.