I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.