I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.