I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
This came to me in a dream.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Check your privilege
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72