I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file