I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!