I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
#NoRestForTheWicked
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.