I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
#Caturday
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations