I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
#Caturday
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”