I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.