I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I didn’t realize that was an option
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days