I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
What
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.