I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.