I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff