I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
You Might Also Like
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.