I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Sign at work today
Gemma Correll
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?