I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Things will get butter, keep churning
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My plans: 2020:
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Love it! 👍😂
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?