I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Vodka burrito was a success
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
It was worth a shot 😂
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped