I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
😂😂
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king