i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.