I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well