Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

are they though??

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Being rude underwater is snarkeling