I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*