I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.