I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
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They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;