I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
just having fun
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.